People claim that the first year after losing someone is the “year of firsts,” but it is supposed to get easier. Though the “year of firsts” is unimaginably difficult, that does not make any year after it easier.
Grief can come in waves and last for a very long time. I thought that it hitting me on a random Tuesday two years after the death of my grandfather was weird or just me overreacting; but it wasn’t.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, nor any rules. The thought of grief having an endpoint has made me feel like I’m doing things wrong because I haven’t reached that point in my grief.
I’ve learned that grief will always be present and it will never go away, lingering in its own ways. Sometimes all it takes is a photo, a song or even just thinking of a memory. These external factors are not insignificant when they are the only physical remembrance of a person.
The first year of grief is new, and it is something people cannot expect. Over time, we learn how to handle our grief and emotions, but it doesn’t make grief itself any easier. The loved one is gone, but the memories that trigger somebody are all they have.
Being told “it gets easier” puts people in a position where they feel as if their grief isn’t getting easier, that they’re potentially dealing with grief in the wrong ways. It is important to know that everyone around the world goes through some aspect of grief. Losing my grandpa at a young age was difficult and, even if I was 10 years older, it would still be difficult. It would’ve been tough in different ways, but the battle of getting through the grief would still be something I would struggle with.
We cannot dictate grief’s timespan because things are constantly changing. Nov. 11 marks three years since I lost my grandpa, and for some reason, I feel like it’s harder than last year. Because I grew up hearing that it gets easier with time, I thought my feelings weren’t valid and I pushed it all away. However, with grief, no one else can tell somebody how they should or shouldn’t feel. Grief is different for everyone, and no one will fully understand what another person is going through. Being self aware of your own grief is vital to living with it.
Grief isn’t something a person can just “get over” — even within a year. Regardless of how long it’s been, one year or 30, grief can hit a person without somebody expecting it. Grief causes pain that can last a lifetime, but the beauty of loving someone to a point where it affects you so deeply when they’re gone is what makes life so bittersweet.
