I’ve never been much of a crier. In fact, I’m known for my strength. Yet, somewhere along the lines of my life, the strength that fueled me became the strength that drained me. 

I used to think crying was a form of weakness – something little kids would do or something I could only do in the comfort of my dark room once everyone else went to bed. Being known for my strength gave me a standard to live up to. I felt that I had to always be OK, and in my culture, expressing emotions wasn’t exactly “normal.” I would put on a brave face every day and push through the hardest of days alone. 

For the majority of my life, vulnerability was a sign of weakness; it was something I didn’t see fitting in my lifestyle. I was vulnerable at many times, but I always dealt with it alone. 

Covering up my vulnerability started with basketball. A small fall was just that — a small fall. There was a day I fell to the floor, my face hitting the court, and I got up and said I was fine. Not a single tear fell from my eyes even though pain overtook my body. No one ever actually looked at me long enough to read through the lie because I always seemed “fine.” 

I’m an eldest daughter; it has always been my job to look after people, and I got extremely good at it. Being able to look at someone and read through their fake emotions made it easy for me to hide my emotions. I always thought it was my job to do that for people: let them express their vulnerability and confide in me, but I never confided in someone or had an outlet for myself. 

At one point, the strength that fueled me and my love for people around me started to become the very thing that drained me. It also affected the love I had for myself. Constantly hiding emotions has a toll on one’s mental health that is truly indescribable. Emotions are meant to be felt and expressed. 

We spend our whole lives loving people and creating memories, and we make the choice to express that emotion every day. Expressing love has always been something people advertised so openly. It has always been seen as a normal part of life, which it is, but so is expressing every other emotion humans feel. Whether that emotion be anger, hurt, resentment, disgust, happiness or stress – every emotion is worth being felt and talked about. 

Some things are unavoidable, but choosing to express your emotions and talking to whoever it is you trust is an individual choice that not many feel comfortable making. Dealing with something alone doesn’t make it go away; it’s still there and it will be even more difficult pushing through alone. It’s OK to feel, no matter what it is or when it is. It took a lot for me to understand that vulnerability is not and has never been a sign of weakness. It’s through expressing my vulnerability that I realized the strength that was draining me has become the one that is empowering me.