“There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” 

I’ve constantly heard this phrase, and yet, the more I hear it, the less I believe it. 

Losing three people in six months is not easy; it is quite the opposite. I’ve spent a lot of my time grieving, trying to get to the end of the tunnel, thinking that was the only way to find the light. It wasn’t until months later that I realized that there can be light in the darkness. 

Rushing yourself to get through the never-ending cycle of grief just for that light can be draining. It can ruin one’s mental health and have a significant toll on their life in general. Knowing that light can be found in the darkness is what got me through grief and is something everyone should be aware of. 

I was constantly pushing myself to the end of the cycle — recovery. I didn’t realize that even though grief is seen as a process with a start and finish, it’s never-ending. It’ll hit you on a random Saturday when you’re surrounded by your family and certain people are missing. The darkness will overcome you — almost consume you — but the light is still there. The darkness that fills our life is merely the light in our life fading. The beauty and light of love come with the darkness of pain, but even in that darkness, there are ways to find the light. 

It’s OK to not be OK, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never smile, never have a good laugh with a friend, never eat an amazing meal; the little things that make life bearable aren’t gone when you can feel your past and pain constantly lingering. 

When the moon covered the sun on April 8, even though it was dark, there was still a tiny bit of light around the edges. Even when we think our world is dark, the light is still there. It isn’t as bright as usual, and that’s OK. It isn’t something to feel guilty about; a small light, a small moment of happiness doesn’t invalidate your pain or your grief or the hard time you’re going through. It just shows your ability to feel so many things at once, your ability to find the light in the darkness. An ability that isn’t easy to come across, but crucial to have. 

Even when the light bulb goes out, we change it; when the power goes out, we pull out a flashlight; when the lights are turned off, we find ways to turn them on.