A nomad.

That is what I’ve considered myself for the longest time, but not in its traditional context.

A struggle that took hold of me at the beginning of my freshman year, made worse by the lockdown in 2020 and then blatantly revealed in my junior year: I’ve never had a clique or friend group I could truly rely on. As brutal as it sounds, I truly believe I’m never anybody’s first option. 

Sure, I have The Hawk Eye staff, loved-ones and friends I hang out with from time to time, but at the end of the day, everybody has their own groups they prioritize and people don’t stay in your life forever. I often go from person to person, looking to become fulfilled, similar to how a nomad has no permanent home and moves between settlements for sustenance. I often think to myself that I’m the only one like this as I’m held up in my bedroom for the weekends, evenings and holidays.

However, as the beginning of senior year was starting to harbor the familiar, dreadful vibe, filled with more vacant time alone and endless studying – I miraculously found peace in the isolation.  

I’m surprisingly finding ways to be happy by myself; whether it’s blasting music while strumming my air-guitar, cooking, playing games or simply laying in bed. These minute activities I once found little pleasure out of are now part of my daily routine.

Now, I’d be lying if I said that I’m now all zen and fully at peace by myself. There are still times I feel the sting of envy and loneliness, especially after seeing Instagram posts of others hanging out, viewing my friends with their cliques or missing the people I would rely on. Though, I try to understand that it’s still a work in progress.

Unless it is preferred, nobody deserves to be alone and everybody could use a social support structure. In isolated times like these, there’s nothing we can do but persevere and believe that it’s the universe’s way of giving us a moment to recharge and prepare for the greater things in life.